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Anchors Away!

As the very, very few of you who happen to visit this diminutive blog may have noticed, we haven't been updating recently. That's because we've upped anchor and set sail to a new satirical destination dedicated to presenting all the most important inaccurate but highly plausible news of the immediate and distant future, first-hand. That site is Avant News. Get thee hence! And forthwith! Move it!

Resignation of John Ashcroft : A Play in One Act

The Resignation of John Ashcroft

A Play in One Act

Scene: White House, the Oval Office

President Bush: Who? Alright, send him in. Jesus.

(John Ashcroft, outgoing Attorney General of the United States, enters the Oval Office)

Ashcroft: Good morning, Mr. President.

Bush: Nice suit, Squarepants.

Ashcroft: Thank you, Mr. President.

Bush: Yeah. What is it?

Ashcroft: Mr. President, I have brought you my—

Bush: What the hell’s this?

Ashcroft: —letter of resignation.

Bush: Your what?

Ashcroft: My letter of resignation. It is customary, Mr. President—

Bush: Why the hell didn’t you type it? You expect me to read this crap?

Ashcroft: As I was saying, it is traditional for Cabinet members to tender hand-written letters of resignation at the conclusion of a President’s first term, and for that president to then decide which letters he wishes to accept.

Bush: Squarepants.

Ashcroft: Yes, Mr. President?

Bush: Didn’t Dick call you?

Ashcroft: Yes, Mr. President.

Bush: Then what the hell is this? Didn’t he tell you you were fired?

Ashcroft: Well, yes, Mr. President.

Bush: Squarepants, did you watch the election?

Ashcroft: Certainly, Mr. President.

Bush: It was on Fox, MSNBC—didn’t you watch it?

Ashcroft: Of course, Mr. President.

Bush: Then you know we got three million new Bible-thumpers, don’t you? Three million new Jesus-loving God-amighty chest-pounding Evangelicals, just like you. So we’re through with you. Nice work. You’re done. I thought Dick told you that.

Ashcroft: Those weren’t exactly the terms he—

Bush: So what the hell is this?

Ashcroft: My letter of resign—

Bush: What’s that smell?

Ashcroft: Mr. President?

Bush: You smell like a goddamn fry cooker.

Ashcroft: It’s lard, Mr. President. The White House kitchen—

Bush: Read it to me.

Ashcroft: Mr. President?

(Bush leans back in chair, folds arms behind head, closes eyes.)

Ashcroft: (reading) Dear Mr. President. Nothing in my life compares to the high honor of serving America as Attorney General in your administration.

Bush: You’re damn right it doesn’t.

Ashcroft: The cause of justice is indeed a serious calling… (he continues reading the letter) …Mr. President? Sir?

Bush: (mumbles) Jesus H. Christ, not here, Karen. (waking) Stupid cow. Who the hell are you?

Ashcroft: Do you want me to continue, Mr. President?

Bush: What time is it? Just give me the good parts. I like to shoot from the hip.

Ashcroft: The good parts?

Bush: Yeah.

Ashcroft: America is safe again and there is no longer any crime or terrorism. I can now direct my energies and talents toward other challenging horizons. May God continue—

Bush: Squarepants.

Ashcroft: Mr. President?

Bush: Did God vote for me last Tuesday?

Ashcroft: Well, not as such, Mr. President, but the Holy Spirit was surely to be—

Bush: Is God a Ranger? Does God own a 527?

Ashcroft: I don’t quite understand—

Bush: Is he Hispanic?

Ashcroft: Certainly not, Mr. Pres—

Bush: Then keep him the hell out of my office. Jesus Christ. What was that part about the terrorists?

Ashcroft: (reading) The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved.

Bush: So they’re toast?

Ashcroft: Who, Mr. President?

Bush: The terrorists, Squarepants. They struck out.

Ashcroft: Mr. President, I think it may be pre—

Bush: Good. On your way out, tell Ridge to get his ass in here. We’re shutting down Homeland Security. I never wanted the damn thing anyway. And tell Dick to tell Don to tell Congress we need a Mars laser security program, or something nucular. There might be life there. Saw it on Fox.

Ashcroft: Mars?

Bush: Pre-emption, Squarepants. That’s a nice suit. Goodbye.

Curtain

***

For reference, following is a transcript of John Ashcroft’s handwritten resignation letter:

Dear Mr. President:

Nothing in my life compares to the high honor of serving America as Attorney General in your administration.

The cause of justice is indeed a serious calling. Americans have been spared the violence and savaging of terrorist attack on our soil since September 11, 2001.

During the last four years our violent crime rate has plunged to a 30-year low.

Under your “Project Safe Neighborhoods” the number of gun crimes has fallen to its lowest level in modern history. Drug use among America’s young people has fallen and continues to fall significantly.

Corporate integrity has been restored with the work of your corporate Fraud Task Force. As a result United States Markets have reinforced their position as the trusted allocators of the world’s capital resources.

Thank you for your leadership which has made these and many other justice-related
achievements possible.

The demands of justice are both rewarding and depleting. I take great personal satisfaction in the record which has been developed. The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved. The rule of law has been strengthened and upheld in the courts. Yet, I believe that the Department of Justice would be well served by new leadership and fresh inspiration. I believe that my energies and talents should be directed toward other challenging horizons.

Therefore, I humbly state my desire to resign from the office of United States Attorney General.

It would by my pleasure to structure the announcement of this resignation and the ensuing transition in conjunction with you so that your administration and the course of justice are served optimally.

I have handwritten this letter so its confidentiality can be maintained until the appropriate arrangements mentioned above can be made.

I am grateful to you for the profound honor of serving under your clear, principled leadership.

May God continue to bless, guide, and direct you and your family as you lead American forward in freedom.

Most Sincerely,
John Ashcroft

William H. Rehnquist Replacement Floated

Ms. Rippohl's 6th Grade Homeroom
Billings, Montana
November 9, 2004

At a press conference held here in bucolic Billings, an anonymous spokesman for the secretive Republican judicial selection committee announced today their favored candidate to replace Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist in the likely event of his forthcoming retirement or death.

"The candidate, Timmy Williams, has been unanimously selected by the committee due to his excellent, albeit brief, record of jurisprudential leadership, his unimpeachable straight-A elementary school record, and our profound belief that he will faithfully interpret the laws of our great land without regard to partisan or ideological leanings," said the spokesman.

Williams, 11, rapidly achieved prominence at West Billings Parochial through tireless efforts to serve the community, the school, the parish, and the greater good. His merits include: Eagle Scout; Debate Club President; charter member of the Montana Pre-Teen Ideologues; Free-Smoking Youth of America Badge Holder; and Science Fair Runner-Up (his project, which was denied first prize because of poor penmanship, illustrated that due to the curvature of the space-time continuum, God actually required only 5 days, 23 hours and 58.22 minutes to create the heavens and the earth). His essay, "Dial C for Capital", brilliantly arguing that any child old enough to own his or her own cell phone should qualify for capital punishment, won top prize in the West Billings Annual Argumentathon.

"I know President Bush promised there would be no litmus test for any Supreme Court appointments, and there wasn't," replied Williams in response to a question posed during the conference. "A litmus test is used to determine the pH balance of a fluid. I wasn't asked about whether I'm an acid or a base. I was just asked about abortion, and I believe abortion should remain legal for all pregnant lesbians who have the good sense to change their minds. In all other cases it should be punishable by death."

Regarding an inquiry into pro-corporate bias, he replied, "I believe corporations should enjoy the same freedom from unfair persecution I enjoy as a white Christian heterosexual male conservative, and I'd like to thank Mr. Gates for the X-box."

"Barring any partisan obstructionism from the liberal left wing of Congress, I see no reason why this nomination shouldn't push through with a minimum of fuss," said the spokesman. "This kid's barely even heard of marijuana. With Timmy on board, and given current life-span projections, we should hold the bench for another 90 years."

Advanced Electoral College Prognostications: Get Ready for Bush-Edwards

Confused about the electoral college? Read this article to discover how its myriad vagaries could, in fact, lead to a Bush-Edwards administration.

Bush Wins Coveted Kaddafi Endorsement

A rather amusing read from Newsweek:

Lobbying for Libya—and Bush

"A former administration official is raising eyebrows in Washington by working as a lobbyist for Kaddafi at the same time that she’s trying to drum up Arab-American support for the president

Oct. 28 - A last-minute endorsement of President George W. Bush by a hastily formed coalition of Arab-Americans was coordinated in part by a registered lobbyist for the Libyan regime of Col. Muammar Kaddafi -- a government formally branded by the State Department as a state sponsor of terrorism."

Must read: The Non-Arguable Case Against the Bush Administration

Fence-sitter? Try this article from The Nation out for size:

100 Facts and 1 Opinion: The Non-Arguable Case Against the Bush Administration

A few highlights from the article:

7. Vice President Cheney said that Iraq was "the geographic base of the terrorists who have had us under assault for many years, but most especially on 9/11." The bipartisan 9/11 Commission found that Iraq had no involvement in the 9/11 attacks and no collaborative operational relationship with Al Qaeda.

24. The Bush Administration granted the 9/11 Commission $3 million to investigate the September 11 attacks and $50 million to the commission that investigated the Columbia space shuttle crash.

31. The Bush Administration told Saudi Prince Bandar bin Sultan about plans to go to war with Iraq before telling Secretary of State Colin Powell.

34. The Bush Administration installed as top officials more than 100 former lobbyists, attorneys or spokespeople for the industries they oversee.

37. Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge awarded lucrative contracts to several companies in which he is an investor, including Microsoft, GE, Sprint, Pfizer and Oracle.

44. The Bush Administration gave Accenture a multibillion-dollar border control contract even though the company moved its operations to Bermuda to avoid paying taxes.

46. In 2000, candidate George W. Bush promised to pay down the national debt to a historically low level. As of September 30, the national debt stood at $7,379,052,696,330.32, a record high.

56. The nonpartisan GAO concluded the Bush Administration created illegal, covert propaganda--in the form of fake news reports--to promote its industry-backed Medicare bill.

64. The Bush Administration went to court to block lawsuits by patients who were injured by defective prescription drugs and medical devices.

72. The Bush Administration gutted clean-air standards for aging power plants, resulting in at least 20,000 premature deaths each year.

85. President Bush's top legal adviser wrote a memo to the President advising him that he can legally authorize torture.

88. President Bush opposed the creation of the 9/11 Commission before he supported it, delaying an essential inquiry into one of the greatest intelligence failure in American history.

98. The Bush Administration spent $120 classifying documents for every $1 it spent declassifying documents.

Read the full article...

Deep Doo-doo in Al-Qaqaa

Those of us who have been conscious the past three days have now heard all about the 380 tons of high explosives that were, despite being well known to international weapons inspectors, ignored by Coalition forces and allowed to vanish into the hands of any enterprising black-market arms dealer who wanted them during the chaos and security nightmare that has been post-invasion Iraq.

American troops had not been given orders to secure the munitions site, it seems. Not surprising, really, what with a vastly underdimensioned invading army and higher priorities such as the protection of the oil ministry and the preparation of maps and PowerPoint presentations for potential foreign investors.

Here's a follow-up article by the New York Times on the looting of Al-Qaqaa.

Most striking in the cacophony of spin that now enshrouds this issue is that it has led Bush to begin spouting (and repeating ad infinitum, as is his wont) some of the very first non-lies of his entire campaign – or, for that matter, his presidency:

"A political candidate who jumps to conclusions without knowing the facts is not a person you want as your commander in chief"

Seems pretty fair. Would you care to comment on your reasons for invading Iraq, Mr. President?

Oh yes, you already did.

From President’s Remarks at the United Nations General Assembly, September 12, 2002 seeking UN endorsement of the invasion:

“In 1991, the Iraqi regime agreed to destroy and stop developing all weapons of mass destruction and long-range missiles, and to prove to the world it has done so by complying with rigorous inspections. Iraq has broken every aspect of this fundamental pledge.”

From the Transcript of the Second Presidential Debate, October 8, 2004:

“…And I saw a unique threat in Saddam Hussein … because we thought he had weapons of mass destruction. And the unique threat was that he could give weapons of mass destruction to an organization like Al Qaida, and the harm they inflicted on us with airplanes would be multiplied greatly by weapons of mass destruction. And that was the serious, serious threat.

…We all thought there was weapons there, Robin … I wasn't happy when we found out there wasn't weapons, and we've got an intelligence group together to figure out why.”

Why weren't you happy when you "found out there wasn't weapons", Mr. President? A little sore from the jump?

Update: and now there's video...

My favorite bit:

"

Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld entered the debate Thursday, suggesting the 377 tons of explosives were taken away before U.S. forces arrived, saying any large effort to loot the material afterward would have been detected.

"We would have seen anything like that," he said in one of two radio interviews he gave at the Pentagon. "The idea it was suddenly looted and moved out, all of these tons of equipment, I think is at least debatable."

The Pentagon also declassified and released a single image, taken by reconnaissance aircraft or satellite just days before the war, showing two trucks outside one of the dozens of storage bunkers at the Al-Qaqaa munitions base.

The particular bunker is not one known to have contained any of the missing explosives, and Pentagon spokesman Larry Di Rita said the image only shows that there was some Iraqi activity at the base when it was taken, on March 17. Di Rita said the image says nothing about what happened to the explosives."

Kind of hearkens back to Colin Powell's scary vial of baking soda at the UN.

Discussion Question: Pre-emptive Abortion

If, using DNA analysis, it could be determined with "slam-dunk*" certainty that an unborn fetus was going to emerge from the womb armed with and ready to use a weapon of mass destruction, would Bush be morally justified in ordering the pre-emptive abortion of the fetus to Protect America? What if it required a "partial-birth" abortion?

* i.e., the same level of certainty used to justify the invasion of Iraq

Medical Coverage in Bush Country

I'd just like to briefly juxtapose two recent news items: a portion of a recent Bush litany of denial and misrepresentation (standard stump speech), and one of hundreds of news reports regarding the sorry state of medical coverage in the United States for veterans:

From Bush's "President's Remarks at Victory 2004 Rally in The Villages, Florida", October 19, 2004:

"When we came into office, we had a problem with Medicare. Medicine was changing; Medicare was not. And let me give you an example. Many here understand what I'm talking about. Medicare would pay hundreds of thousands of dollars for heart surgery, but not one dime for the prescription drugs that could prevent the heart surgery from being needed in the first place. That did not make any sense for people on Medicare. It didn't make any sense for the taxpayers of the country. I pledged to bring Republicans and Democrats together to strengthen and modernize Medicare for our seniors. I kept my word. (Applause.) Seniors are getting discounts on medicine, and beginning in 2006, all seniors will be able to get prescription drugs coverage under Medicare.

We have more work to do when it comes to moving forward with health care. I have practical plans to make sure health care is available and affordable. We need a safety net for those with the greatest need. I believe in community health centers, places where the poor and the indigent can get good preventative and primary care. In a new term, we'll make sure every poor county in America has a community health center. (Applause.) We will do more to make sure poor children are fully subscribed in our programs for low-income families. "

From "1.7 million veterans lack coverage", Chicago Sun-Times, October 20, 2004:

"Nearly 1.7 million veterans have no health insurance or access to government hospitals and clinics, according to a report released Tuesday.

In Illinois, an estimated 227,000 Illinois vets and their family members are without coverage.

The study also says veterans are losing their health insurance at a faster rate than the general population, and the lack of health care is particularly acute among younger military members who served in the most recent wars...

...Robert "Lee" Newtson, 62, of suburban Elburn decided last year to drop his costly private health insurance and get his medical care through the Veterans Health Administration -- a benefit he was due because of two years of active duty in the Army in the '60s.

Newtson said it was months before he was scheduled to see a VHA doctor. During the wait, he ended up needing open-heart surgery. He said the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs balked at paying his $91,000 medical bill because he hadn't been seen by a VHA physician. Quinn's office stepped in and resolved the matter.

'I had to file for bankruptcy," Newtson said. "It's just not right. We all served our country and this is the thanks we're not getting.'"

Draw your own conclusions.