William H. Rehnquist Replacement Floated

Ms. Rippohl's 6th Grade Homeroom
Billings, Montana
November 9, 2004

At a press conference held here in bucolic Billings, an anonymous spokesman for the secretive Republican judicial selection committee announced today their favored candidate to replace Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist in the likely event of his forthcoming retirement or death.

"The candidate, Timmy Williams, has been unanimously selected by the committee due to his excellent, albeit brief, record of jurisprudential leadership, his unimpeachable straight-A elementary school record, and our profound belief that he will faithfully interpret the laws of our great land without regard to partisan or ideological leanings," said the spokesman.

Williams, 11, rapidly achieved prominence at West Billings Parochial through tireless efforts to serve the community, the school, the parish, and the greater good. His merits include: Eagle Scout; Debate Club President; charter member of the Montana Pre-Teen Ideologues; Free-Smoking Youth of America Badge Holder; and Science Fair Runner-Up (his project, which was denied first prize because of poor penmanship, illustrated that due to the curvature of the space-time continuum, God actually required only 5 days, 23 hours and 58.22 minutes to create the heavens and the earth). His essay, "Dial C for Capital", brilliantly arguing that any child old enough to own his or her own cell phone should qualify for capital punishment, won top prize in the West Billings Annual Argumentathon.

"I know President Bush promised there would be no litmus test for any Supreme Court appointments, and there wasn't," replied Williams in response to a question posed during the conference. "A litmus test is used to determine the pH balance of a fluid. I wasn't asked about whether I'm an acid or a base. I was just asked about abortion, and I believe abortion should remain legal for all pregnant lesbians who have the good sense to change their minds. In all other cases it should be punishable by death."

Regarding an inquiry into pro-corporate bias, he replied, "I believe corporations should enjoy the same freedom from unfair persecution I enjoy as a white Christian heterosexual male conservative, and I'd like to thank Mr. Gates for the X-box."

"Barring any partisan obstructionism from the liberal left wing of Congress, I see no reason why this nomination shouldn't push through with a minimum of fuss," said the spokesman. "This kid's barely even heard of marijuana. With Timmy on board, and given current life-span projections, we should hold the bench for another 90 years."