Resignation of John Ashcroft : A Play in One Act

The Resignation of John Ashcroft

A Play in One Act

Scene: White House, the Oval Office

President Bush: Who? Alright, send him in. Jesus.

(John Ashcroft, outgoing Attorney General of the United States, enters the Oval Office)

Ashcroft: Good morning, Mr. President.

Bush: Nice suit, Squarepants.

Ashcroft: Thank you, Mr. President.

Bush: Yeah. What is it?

Ashcroft: Mr. President, I have brought you my—

Bush: What the hell’s this?

Ashcroft: —letter of resignation.

Bush: Your what?

Ashcroft: My letter of resignation. It is customary, Mr. President—

Bush: Why the hell didn’t you type it? You expect me to read this crap?

Ashcroft: As I was saying, it is traditional for Cabinet members to tender hand-written letters of resignation at the conclusion of a President’s first term, and for that president to then decide which letters he wishes to accept.

Bush: Squarepants.

Ashcroft: Yes, Mr. President?

Bush: Didn’t Dick call you?

Ashcroft: Yes, Mr. President.

Bush: Then what the hell is this? Didn’t he tell you you were fired?

Ashcroft: Well, yes, Mr. President.

Bush: Squarepants, did you watch the election?

Ashcroft: Certainly, Mr. President.

Bush: It was on Fox, MSNBC—didn’t you watch it?

Ashcroft: Of course, Mr. President.

Bush: Then you know we got three million new Bible-thumpers, don’t you? Three million new Jesus-loving God-amighty chest-pounding Evangelicals, just like you. So we’re through with you. Nice work. You’re done. I thought Dick told you that.

Ashcroft: Those weren’t exactly the terms he—

Bush: So what the hell is this?

Ashcroft: My letter of resign—

Bush: What’s that smell?

Ashcroft: Mr. President?

Bush: You smell like a goddamn fry cooker.

Ashcroft: It’s lard, Mr. President. The White House kitchen—

Bush: Read it to me.

Ashcroft: Mr. President?

(Bush leans back in chair, folds arms behind head, closes eyes.)

Ashcroft: (reading) Dear Mr. President. Nothing in my life compares to the high honor of serving America as Attorney General in your administration.

Bush: You’re damn right it doesn’t.

Ashcroft: The cause of justice is indeed a serious calling… (he continues reading the letter) …Mr. President? Sir?

Bush: (mumbles) Jesus H. Christ, not here, Karen. (waking) Stupid cow. Who the hell are you?

Ashcroft: Do you want me to continue, Mr. President?

Bush: What time is it? Just give me the good parts. I like to shoot from the hip.

Ashcroft: The good parts?

Bush: Yeah.

Ashcroft: America is safe again and there is no longer any crime or terrorism. I can now direct my energies and talents toward other challenging horizons. May God continue—

Bush: Squarepants.

Ashcroft: Mr. President?

Bush: Did God vote for me last Tuesday?

Ashcroft: Well, not as such, Mr. President, but the Holy Spirit was surely to be—

Bush: Is God a Ranger? Does God own a 527?

Ashcroft: I don’t quite understand—

Bush: Is he Hispanic?

Ashcroft: Certainly not, Mr. Pres—

Bush: Then keep him the hell out of my office. Jesus Christ. What was that part about the terrorists?

Ashcroft: (reading) The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved.

Bush: So they’re toast?

Ashcroft: Who, Mr. President?

Bush: The terrorists, Squarepants. They struck out.

Ashcroft: Mr. President, I think it may be pre—

Bush: Good. On your way out, tell Ridge to get his ass in here. We’re shutting down Homeland Security. I never wanted the damn thing anyway. And tell Dick to tell Don to tell Congress we need a Mars laser security program, or something nucular. There might be life there. Saw it on Fox.

Ashcroft: Mars?

Bush: Pre-emption, Squarepants. That’s a nice suit. Goodbye.

Curtain

***

For reference, following is a transcript of John Ashcroft’s handwritten resignation letter:

Dear Mr. President:

Nothing in my life compares to the high honor of serving America as Attorney General in your administration.

The cause of justice is indeed a serious calling. Americans have been spared the violence and savaging of terrorist attack on our soil since September 11, 2001.

During the last four years our violent crime rate has plunged to a 30-year low.

Under your “Project Safe Neighborhoods” the number of gun crimes has fallen to its lowest level in modern history. Drug use among America’s young people has fallen and continues to fall significantly.

Corporate integrity has been restored with the work of your corporate Fraud Task Force. As a result United States Markets have reinforced their position as the trusted allocators of the world’s capital resources.

Thank you for your leadership which has made these and many other justice-related
achievements possible.

The demands of justice are both rewarding and depleting. I take great personal satisfaction in the record which has been developed. The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved. The rule of law has been strengthened and upheld in the courts. Yet, I believe that the Department of Justice would be well served by new leadership and fresh inspiration. I believe that my energies and talents should be directed toward other challenging horizons.

Therefore, I humbly state my desire to resign from the office of United States Attorney General.

It would by my pleasure to structure the announcement of this resignation and the ensuing transition in conjunction with you so that your administration and the course of justice are served optimally.

I have handwritten this letter so its confidentiality can be maintained until the appropriate arrangements mentioned above can be made.

I am grateful to you for the profound honor of serving under your clear, principled leadership.

May God continue to bless, guide, and direct you and your family as you lead American forward in freedom.

Most Sincerely,
John Ashcroft