Resignation of John Ashcroft : A Play in One Act

The Resignation of John Ashcroft

A Play in One Act

Scene: White House, the Oval Office

President Bush: Who? Alright, send him in. Jesus.

(John Ashcroft, outgoing Attorney General of the United States, enters the Oval Office)

Ashcroft: Good morning, Mr. President.

Bush: Nice suit, Squarepants.

Ashcroft: Thank you, Mr. President.

Bush: Yeah. What is it?

Ashcroft: Mr. President, I have brought you my—

Bush: What the hell’s this?

Ashcroft: —letter of resignation.

Bush: Your what?

Ashcroft: My letter of resignation. It is customary, Mr. President—

Bush: Why the hell didn’t you type it? You expect me to read this crap?

Ashcroft: As I was saying, it is traditional for Cabinet members to tender hand-written letters of resignation at the conclusion of a President’s first term, and for that president to then decide which letters he wishes to accept.

Bush: Squarepants.

Ashcroft: Yes, Mr. President?

Bush: Didn’t Dick call you?

Ashcroft: Yes, Mr. President.

Bush: Then what the hell is this? Didn’t he tell you you were fired?

Ashcroft: Well, yes, Mr. President.

Bush: Squarepants, did you watch the election?

Ashcroft: Certainly, Mr. President.

Bush: It was on Fox, MSNBC—didn’t you watch it?

Ashcroft: Of course, Mr. President.

Bush: Then you know we got three million new Bible-thumpers, don’t you? Three million new Jesus-loving God-amighty chest-pounding Evangelicals, just like you. So we’re through with you. Nice work. You’re done. I thought Dick told you that.

Ashcroft: Those weren’t exactly the terms he—

Bush: So what the hell is this?

Ashcroft: My letter of resign—

Bush: What’s that smell?

Ashcroft: Mr. President?

Bush: You smell like a goddamn fry cooker.

Ashcroft: It’s lard, Mr. President. The White House kitchen—

Bush: Read it to me.

Ashcroft: Mr. President?

(Bush leans back in chair, folds arms behind head, closes eyes.)

Ashcroft: (reading) Dear Mr. President. Nothing in my life compares to the high honor of serving America as Attorney General in your administration.

Bush: You’re damn right it doesn’t.

Ashcroft: The cause of justice is indeed a serious calling… (he continues reading the letter) …Mr. President? Sir?

Bush: (mumbles) Jesus H. Christ, not here, Karen. (waking) Stupid cow. Who the hell are you?

Ashcroft: Do you want me to continue, Mr. President?

Bush: What time is it? Just give me the good parts. I like to shoot from the hip.

Ashcroft: The good parts?

Bush: Yeah.

Ashcroft: America is safe again and there is no longer any crime or terrorism. I can now direct my energies and talents toward other challenging horizons. May God continue—

Bush: Squarepants.

Ashcroft: Mr. President?

Bush: Did God vote for me last Tuesday?

Ashcroft: Well, not as such, Mr. President, but the Holy Spirit was surely to be—

Bush: Is God a Ranger? Does God own a 527?

Ashcroft: I don’t quite understand—

Bush: Is he Hispanic?

Ashcroft: Certainly not, Mr. Pres—

Bush: Then keep him the hell out of my office. Jesus Christ. What was that part about the terrorists?

Ashcroft: (reading) The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved.

Bush: So they’re toast?

Ashcroft: Who, Mr. President?

Bush: The terrorists, Squarepants. They struck out.

Ashcroft: Mr. President, I think it may be pre—

Bush: Good. On your way out, tell Ridge to get his ass in here. We’re shutting down Homeland Security. I never wanted the damn thing anyway. And tell Dick to tell Don to tell Congress we need a Mars laser security program, or something nucular. There might be life there. Saw it on Fox.

Ashcroft: Mars?

Bush: Pre-emption, Squarepants. That’s a nice suit. Goodbye.

Curtain

***

For reference, following is a transcript of John Ashcroft’s handwritten resignation letter:

Dear Mr. President:

Nothing in my life compares to the high honor of serving America as Attorney General in your administration.

The cause of justice is indeed a serious calling. Americans have been spared the violence and savaging of terrorist attack on our soil since September 11, 2001.

During the last four years our violent crime rate has plunged to a 30-year low.

Under your “Project Safe Neighborhoods” the number of gun crimes has fallen to its lowest level in modern history. Drug use among America’s young people has fallen and continues to fall significantly.

Corporate integrity has been restored with the work of your corporate Fraud Task Force. As a result United States Markets have reinforced their position as the trusted allocators of the world’s capital resources.

Thank you for your leadership which has made these and many other justice-related
achievements possible.

The demands of justice are both rewarding and depleting. I take great personal satisfaction in the record which has been developed. The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved. The rule of law has been strengthened and upheld in the courts. Yet, I believe that the Department of Justice would be well served by new leadership and fresh inspiration. I believe that my energies and talents should be directed toward other challenging horizons.

Therefore, I humbly state my desire to resign from the office of United States Attorney General.

It would by my pleasure to structure the announcement of this resignation and the ensuing transition in conjunction with you so that your administration and the course of justice are served optimally.

I have handwritten this letter so its confidentiality can be maintained until the appropriate arrangements mentioned above can be made.

I am grateful to you for the profound honor of serving under your clear, principled leadership.

May God continue to bless, guide, and direct you and your family as you lead American forward in freedom.

Most Sincerely,
John Ashcroft

William H. Rehnquist Replacement Floated

Ms. Rippohl's 6th Grade Homeroom
Billings, Montana
November 9, 2004

At a press conference held here in bucolic Billings, an anonymous spokesman for the secretive Republican judicial selection committee announced today their favored candidate to replace Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist in the likely event of his forthcoming retirement or death.

"The candidate, Timmy Williams, has been unanimously selected by the committee due to his excellent, albeit brief, record of jurisprudential leadership, his unimpeachable straight-A elementary school record, and our profound belief that he will faithfully interpret the laws of our great land without regard to partisan or ideological leanings," said the spokesman.

Williams, 11, rapidly achieved prominence at West Billings Parochial through tireless efforts to serve the community, the school, the parish, and the greater good. His merits include: Eagle Scout; Debate Club President; charter member of the Montana Pre-Teen Ideologues; Free-Smoking Youth of America Badge Holder; and Science Fair Runner-Up (his project, which was denied first prize because of poor penmanship, illustrated that due to the curvature of the space-time continuum, God actually required only 5 days, 23 hours and 58.22 minutes to create the heavens and the earth). His essay, "Dial C for Capital", brilliantly arguing that any child old enough to own his or her own cell phone should qualify for capital punishment, won top prize in the West Billings Annual Argumentathon.

"I know President Bush promised there would be no litmus test for any Supreme Court appointments, and there wasn't," replied Williams in response to a question posed during the conference. "A litmus test is used to determine the pH balance of a fluid. I wasn't asked about whether I'm an acid or a base. I was just asked about abortion, and I believe abortion should remain legal for all pregnant lesbians who have the good sense to change their minds. In all other cases it should be punishable by death."

Regarding an inquiry into pro-corporate bias, he replied, "I believe corporations should enjoy the same freedom from unfair persecution I enjoy as a white Christian heterosexual male conservative, and I'd like to thank Mr. Gates for the X-box."

"Barring any partisan obstructionism from the liberal left wing of Congress, I see no reason why this nomination shouldn't push through with a minimum of fuss," said the spokesman. "This kid's barely even heard of marijuana. With Timmy on board, and given current life-span projections, we should hold the bench for another 90 years."